Personal Essay for Medical school

Prompt: why you want to go to medical school
Instructions:
1. 5300 character limit
2. Have to show certain personality traits that pair with being a great physician (minimum 3 traits)
Examples in my essay include: extraordinary compassion, kindness, great listening skills, knowledge-seeking (stories and examples below)
3. Describe the events as an engaging story, developing a story at the start of your essay about the event or situation that demonstrates the personality traits mentioned in step 2v. Make the ideas/stories flow well together.
4. Show don’t tell the qualities
Tell ex: …it was not until I observed the emotional pounding the people of New Orleans had experienced that I developed a greater sense of compassion for their plight.
Show ex: actually building homes and interacting with the locals, like 9 year-old Jermaine, who cried as I held his hand while we unveiled his rebuilt home, taught me that caring for people
5. Tie it into how it relates to medicine/ make you a good physician
6. Better Introduction, I feel like it is weak I would like to add an attention grabber
7. Please let every concept in bold be included to the personal statement as those are important. Please rewrite/paraphrase the ideas so it flows; it does not need to be in the same paragraph just wherever it seems fit.
Every quotation is an excerpt from other essays that i would like to include in my essay
8. Rather than discuss everything you’ve done, apply the following 5-step formula to expand on key experiences in the body paragraphs of your personal statement:
1.Describe why you pursued the experience
2. Mention how you felt
3. Describe what you accomplished and learned
4.Discuss how your experience affected you and the world around you
5.Describe why and how the experience influenced your decision to pursue medicine (this question is the one I did not expand on well in the essay)
(Scenario 1) Going to Bangladesh and helping the girls with their school has impacted me by further developing my ability to establish relationships and influence people to live for the better. (in this scenario it was by helping them get a school but my goal/drive is to establish a relationship and ultimately help with science/medical treatment)
(Example)“noticed many doctors still strived to connect with their patients and develop a relationship during treatment. To observe dedicated physicians serving all their patients with the utmost level of care reaffirmed my decision to pursue medicine. I knew that one day I wanted to apply my medical knowledge to make the same emotional impact on people” (implement this idea for how it influenced my decision to pursue medicine)
(Scenario 2) After witnessing the person not being able to get medical treatment because of money it transformed my perspective on medical treatment. This experience influenced my decision because it made me want to help/change the area’s idea of healthcare where its priority is to provide medical care and not commercialize it.
(Scenario 3) Hope foundation. Education has always been a big part of my life. As a doctor prescribing medicine to sick people is important but preventative medicine is just as important. Hope foundation taught me how important educating locals about basic medical treatment and of preventative medicine, and how it can be implemented to help save lives of people.

Below is my version of my personal statement please rewrite with examples included.
I have attached a copy of my draft